“Have yourself a Merry, Merry, Christmas…” are lyrics that we usually hear when the Holidays come to town. We envision the Hallmark Movies, where everything is picture perfect, love always finds a way, Cinnamon candles fill the air, as you look out your window you hear the carolers singing to the perfect melodies, and somehow there is always a happy ending. However, WHAT IF this is not what the holidays feel like for you? What if, the record that is replaying in your heart and soul is, “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley. As a matter of fact, the more you think about the holidays, the more you want to curl up in a little ball, under your covers, and pray that this too will pass. You feel lonely, a piece of your mind and soul are out of alignment and you just cannot pretend that joy abounds; because in this moment, it doesn’t. Perhaps you lost a loved one this year, and when you hear the song “The Christmas Shoes,” your eyes begin to leak and you end up filling buckets of those things that we avoid, which are called ‘tears.’ You reflect and you recognize that you have not fully accepted what life is now, because accepting means that you move on in life with the realization that your loved one is not moving on by your side. Or, maybe going to visit family is like pouring lemon on a wound. This wound reminds you of the pain that childhood left behind and all year you attempt to distract yourself by doing more and more, just so that you don’t have time to think about it. YET, when the unavoidable takes place you realize that going back home means facing what you have run away from your entire life. In each of these cases, there is one common thread that unites and that thread is called pain. You may feel angry, irritable, overwhelmed, apathetic, standoffish and some may be ready to give you coal for Christmas because what they see is a Grinch. But let me tell you, that each symptom that the Grinch reflected was simply pain speaking and masking itself as anger. If this is you, I would like for you to understand that this is a protective mechanism that serves a function, and that function is to keep you safe from the pain. Afterall, our brain is wired to run away from pain and it learns to perfect this mechanism as time goes by. At the same time, as I invite you to extend grace and compassion to yourself; I would also like to invite you to contemplate that it doesn’t have to continue to be this way for you. You have the power to choose the quality of life that you want to have. We do not get to choose all that comes our way. As a matter of fact, so much of it was never your fault to begin with. Generational patterns have a way of infiltrating into each new generation and thus repeating patterns of the past. At the same time, there are choices that you made that left lasting consequences simply because in that moment, you were doing the best you could with what you knew. Good news is that you can learn new ways of living life and that starts with taking ownership for what does belong to you. My question to you, (this is a trick question so be careful with your automatic response), “What or Who, do you have the power to change?” If you answered everybody BUT you, your answer is incorrect. Truth be told, the only person you have the capacity to change is YOU. How do you do this? I am glad you asked.
- Learn to take deep breaths
- Inhale Faith
- Exhale Fear
- Extend grace and compassion to yourself
- Remind yourself that you did the best with what you knew at that time. This is a new season, and you are learning to do better for you.
- It’s ok to deviate from all that has been a tradition for you. It’s ok to not be ok and to place your wellbeing as a priority.
- Learning to say “no” is one of the greatest strengths you will ever develop.
- Create new holiday traditions
- A memory box is an excellent space where you can meet with your loved ones and open your heart to feel the pain of the loss. We hurt because we love. After your emotional floodgates have emptied, close the box and allow yourself to continue living.
- Allow yourself to receive God’s goodness
- I remind you that He is always working things out for your good. It may not feel that way right now, and that’s ok. However, get in the habit of telling yourself that “It is all working out for your good.” In Faith you speak, and you will be surprised at what He does with Faith as big as a mustard seed.
My prayer to you this Holiday Season, is that you embrace just how special you truly are. You Belong, You are Loved, Seen and worthy to be Understood. I remind you that Pain is Real and So is Healing and above all, “YOU HAVE A SPACE IN THIS PLACE.”